Benevolent Rats & Definitely Real Rolexes

The 6 best things we’ve overheard on the road

Xin Chao to all of Henry’s fans.

Ellie here - or as you all know me, “the broad who won’t stop kvetching about some scratch on her foot.”

Sorry to disappoint, but your favorite ginger is taking a nap so I took the opportunity to log into his Substack and finally get a word in!

While Henry promised me our honeymoon would be filled with lounging on secret beaches and reading trashy novels, this week he insisted no honeymoon is complete without visiting historical sites of intense trauma.

So we swapped romance for heavy hearts, and visited a Khmer Rouge killing field, observed the mechanics of actual booby traps used in the Củ Chi tunnel system to hurt and kill American soldiers, and met people who have suffered the intergenerational genetic effects of Agent Orange.

If there’s a scene that perfectly epitomizes our last week - it’s hopping on a Zoom call from a North Vietnamese airport, surrounded by people headed on a cruise, to mark the 3-year anniversary of my grandfather’s passing. Not sure anyone’s ever said Kaddish or pledged to visit Auschwitz next to Cat Bi Airport Baggage Carousel #1.

It was a legitimately challenging and complicated week.

So, in search of some lightness, I’ve decided to reflect on a few moments from our trip that made us laugh out loud. It is my hope that you will find them funny, too. And if you miss Henry’s poetic and beautifully articulated soliloquies of our experiences - don’t worry. He’ll be back.

Top 6 funniest things we’ve overheard (so far!)

1. In our first week of the trip, we hired a driver to take us from Chiang Mai to Mae Rim and then on to Pai. While we were able to exchange names and niceties, the language barrier proved too tough to scale and we resumed listening to our driver’s YouTube playlist “Songs for the International People.” After our stop in Mae Rim (to meet up with Henry’s aunt’s brother and his wife!), we got back in the car and our driver had prepared a Thai -> English Google Translate voice memo. From the car’s loudspeaker we heard, “Where is the other dead customer? Would you like me to find them?” After a rattling moment, we motioned for him to try again and the new translation spoke out “Do you want to stop anywhere else?” Phew, glad we got that cleared up.

2. On the busy streets of the night market in northern Thailand, I leaned on my crutches while waiting for Henry to grab some more bandages at the local pharmacy. Next to me I heard two tourists arguing in English. Like the yenta I am, I crutched over to eavesdrop more clearly. Here is an unedited transcript of what I overheard:

“Babe! He’s got a real Rolex in there and he doesn’t even know it. He’s trying to sell it to me for $100. Babe this is it. I’ve got to get it.”

“I can’t have this conversation again. That’s not a real Rolex. You’re being scammed.”

“Not this time I’m not!”

“How do you know it’s real?”

“It’s got the box and everything!”

3. “Mom, how much Imodium is too much Imodium?” - a repeat quote from an anonymous source. I’ll let you guess which one of us is suffering from great gastrointestinal distress.

4. One of the most memorable moments from our time in Siem Reap was when we visited APOPO - a nonprofit that uses giant African rats in a de-mining initiative. The rats have the ability to sniff out TNT but don’t weigh enough to trigger the explosive when they’ve found it. The nonprofit did a demonstration for us (not with real mines. Don’t worry, mom), and we watched in amazement as the rat avoided the decoy and instead went right for the TNT-filled object. After explaining how the rats are also being used to smell TB in saliva samples, the guide asked for questions. Obviously Henry’s hand was the first in the air (brown-noser that he is) and asked how they determine where to start looking for land mines. Another guy asked how many landmines are estimated to remain in the country. Then, came my favorite question of all from some European man:

“Do the rats know what they’re doing”

“I’m sorry, sir, I do not understand the question.”

“Do the rats know that they are helping make Cambodia safer?

“Umm. No? The rats just know that they get bananas when they smell TNT and they like bananas.”

5. After our week of war tours, Henry whisked me away on a romantic cruise in Ha Long Bay. Because my family’s main ethos is nausea-avoidant, this was my first time sleeping on a boat. And it ruled. Although, I may never be able to do another cruise because the bay was beyond beautiful and nothing can compare. Massive limestone cliff islands surrounded us for miles and miles. The magnitude and vastness was simultaneously overwhelming and deeply calming. 20 minutes into our cruise, this sense of awe was interrupted by a “bloke” from Essex who exclaimed, “after a bit, it’s just another rock isn’t it?” He seemed pretty bummed not to be on the party cruise boats we could hear blasting John Denver to the patrons of their open bars, and he topped off his performance with the declaration “I’m so f**king sick of noodles” as we were served our massive and beautiful Vietnamese lunch.

6. And finally, a familiar answer to a familiar question. At the Angkor Wat temples we learned about how the national religion of the ancient Khmer people transferred back and forth between Buddhism and Hinduism. When I asked our guide about his current religious beliefs, he said, “I’m culturally Buddhist. It makes my mom and grandma happy.” If you know you know.

Here’s hoping that these glimpses into our time here have brought you some smiles. Or maybe these anecdotes aren’t funny at all and it’s almost like you just had to be there? If that’s the case, hop on a flight and meet us anywhere. One month into our trip we’re not toooo smelly and we’re still pretty good company - except Henry’s been getting grumpy when he loses in Gin Rummy. Someone teach the guy how to advertise!

Sending love from Pu Luong, where tiered rice paddies are framed by jungle’d mountain peaks and where, yup, we’re still ’mooning.

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PS - with everyone’s insistence that we try all the variations of Vietnamese coffee (cà phê) - including egg, salt, and coconut - your happy campers are now extremely caffeinated. Beware.